Harry Potter and the Book That Didn't Involve Him
by Lacci De Vrij
Summary: In which many funny things happen and we all laugh my posterior off.


a non magical girl sat in her room, biting her nails and watching the phone. Suddenly, there was a bring. She jumped and ran to the door. Percy Weasley was standing behind it.   
  
"Who the hell are you?" The girl asked incredulously.   
  
Percy gave her a blank look. "Percy Weasley, and who are you?"   
  
"Susan," said Susan.   
  
"Oh," said Percy. They stood there. "Can I come in?"   
  
"Er, no," said Susan, shutting the door quietly in his face. There was a POOF, and when she opened the door again, Percy was gone. "Weird," Susan said, and sat down on the bed again.   
  
Suddenly the phone rang again. Susan jumped up and answered the door again. This time, Eddie Izzard was standing there. "Hallooo," Eddie said cheerfully.   
  
"Whatever it is," Susan said bitterly, "I'm not interested." Just as she was shutting the door, Eddie called, "But they're nifty little gadgets that go "meep."" Susan paused for a moment, shook her head, and shut the door. There was a poof.   
  
Before she had even turned around, there was another ring. Susan opened the door again. There was no one there.   
  
"Allo," said a small english voice. Susan looked down. "'m Dani Fiwf. Shove off." Susan raised an eyebrow. Dani as 3 feet tall, and chibi. "You shove off," she said, and shut the door again. She locked it and walked back over to her bed.   
  
The phone rang once again. Susan opened the door and shouted, "THERE IS NO SANTA CLAUS, KID!!" A short fat man in a red coat and hat and a big smile on his face, raised his hand. "Er, actually..." The door shut again.   
  
The phone rang again. This time, instead of opening the door, Susan picked up the phone. "Hello?" she asked hopefully. There was silence on the end of the hone. "Hello? Hello?" No reply. "TELL ME WHO THE FOOK YOU ARE OR I'LL CUT OUT YOUR INTESTINES OVER THE PHONE AND EAT THEM WITH MY SPAGHETTI!!!" There was an eep, and a click. Susan slammed the phone down. It rang again. (a/n: those who didn't catch it or dont read sluggy, that's a Bun Bun reference)   
  
This time the door opened by itself, and other the other side stood... The Wow Wow Wibble Woggle Wazzy Woodle Woo!! Susan gave it a sardonic look, and it began singing. She slammed the door in it's face with a loud poof.   
  
Suddenly and owl started tapping at Susan's window. It was a snowly white owl, and had a package tied to it's leg. Susan opened the window, and there was a huge FOOM and a mushroom cloud of smoke. After the smoke had cleared, Jareth stood there in all his glory and uberly tight tights. He turned to Susan.   
  
"Susan, I have brought your brother to my castle, like you asked. Look into my balls and you will see your dreams." Susan stared and him, looking much like a fish. Jareth began to pull his tights down in demonstration, but disappeared with a large POOF because this is a G rated fic. Susan growled. "That's not fair!" She complained. Before the phone had finished ringing, Hoggle appeared outside the door and said, "But that's the way it is." Susan opened and shut the door, and Hoggle poofed away.   
  
"Good riddance, Hogwart," she said.  
  
"Did someone say Hogwarts?" Asked Snape, billowing around in his cape and looking irritable as always. Susan turned and yelled, "Go away you stupid thing!" before she realized who she had yelled at. "Wait, dont g..." but Snape had already poofed away, in a cloud of chemical stench. Susan coughed, and opened the window so she could breathe. A letter flew in and hit her on the head. It read:   
  
To: Harry Potter  
Cupboard Under The Stairs  
Number 4 Privet Drive  
Little Whinging  
Surrey   
  
Susan looked out the window. "Wrong address!" she called, and threw the letter out the window. A little girl raccoon reached up and snatched the letter, putting it in her bag. "Thanks," she called thankfully, and was suddenly carried off by a large alligator chasing a bat and yelling, "Wait up Mr. Picklebat!" Susan shut the window.   
  
"can you make this fic end NOW?" she pleaded. "Before..." but it was too late. The phone rang, and Nobby Nobbs opened the door, nicking the door handle and several of Susan's belongings on the way in. "G'day miss, Nobby Nobbs, Night Watch." The Luggage fell through the roof onto Nobby and they both poofed away. Rincewind, Twoflower, and Zaphod Beeblebrox followed shortly afterward. Rincewind asked, "Have you seen a large box on legs?" Susan shook her head.   
  
Zaphod's right head said, "Where did the Heart of Gold go? I was writing a happy hardcore song with my Force and Styles. 'Scuse me, can I borrow your mirror? Thanks." Zaphod went about fixing his hair, while Twoflower commented on Susan's wallpaper. Rincewind fell through a hole that suddenly appeared in the floor, and fell stragiht through the world into outerspace. This sucked Twoflower down as well, but Zaphod and Susan stayed because Susan was too pissed off to notice and Zaphod was too attached to his mirror self to let go.   
  
*RING*   
  
This time the entire door fell down, and The Good Magician, The Librarian, Gilderoy Lockhart and Flipper walked through. Or rather, the first three walked and The Librarin carried Flipper onder his arm. The Librarian sat down on Flipper, and with an Oook and a Squeek, they both poofed away. Gilderoy and Zaphod began getting into deep conversation about themselves, until their heads got too big and exploded. They fell to the floor and *poof* (its a fashion). The Elephants (dont know where they came from) danced out the window singing about going out to play in french, and The Good Magician said, "Oh my." He poofed away too.   
  
Susan sat down on her bed and just watched. Her room was a wreck. Brad and Janet came running in, and began singing to each other.   
  
"The river was deep but I swam it," Brad sang.   
  
"Janet," said Susan boredly.   
  
Suddenly Brad and Janet poofed away as well, because N'Sync opened the door and burst into song. Before they had finished their fourth word, they exploded. The walls were very icky now. The phone rang again. Susan waited for someone to appear, but they didn't so she picked up the phone.   
  
"Hello?"   
  
"Hi, this is Harry Potter. Is your refridgerator running?" Susan put the phone back on the hook. It rang again. She picked it up. "Hello?"   
  
"Hi, this is Ford Prefect. Is my towel there?"   
  
"No." She hung up again. The phone rang again.   
  
"Yeess?"   
  
"Hi, this is Harry Potter. Is your microwave running?" Susan hung up the phone and waited in silence, knowing it would ring again. Daring it to ring again. It did.   
  
"What do you want?"   
  
"Is my Aunt Minnie in there?"   
  
"No she bloody well isn't, and neither are the Marx Brothers or Gilderoy Lockhart. Good bye." Susan hung up the phone again. The author got an idea, and the door opened. Harpo ran in and shook Susan's hand, making her hold his knee. She pushed him away and he gave an offended honk. Then he poofed away. The author giggled.   
  
"I'm going to kill you," Susan told the author. "Sure, try it," the author replied. Suddenly the entire cast from Moulin Rouge was in Susan's room, and began can can dancing. The author giggled more, waving at a few of them. Johnny the Homicidal Maniac ran into the room with a big knife. "SHUT UP!! SHUT UP ALL OF YOU!!! I'M EATING MY FROOT LOOPS!!" He began hacking them all to pieces.   
  
Suddenly, a plane crashed into Susan's house. "CHOCOLATEBISCUIT!!!" Eddie Izzard climbed out of it and said, "And we all died."   
  
  
Just when you expected the fic to end, a phone rang. The author picked it up. "Hallo?"  
  
"Hi, this is Harry Potter. Is your toaster running?"   
  
"You arent supposed to be in this book, you know," the author replied.   
  
"Hey, you're ruining the joke. Come on. Is your toaster running or not?"   
  
The author sighed. "Yes, yes it is."   
  
"Well...." Harry paused. "I dont remember the rest of the joke."   
  
"What a shame," the author said sarcastically.   
  
"It was a darn good one though. One of the funniest jokes ever. Yep."   
  
"I'm sure it was," the author said, and set the phone down quietly.   
  
You see a large black leather chair. Before it are many screens, all showing the rubble that was once Susan's house. A figure was sitting in the chair. You couldn't see them; nothing more than their arm, with their fingers tapping the arm rest. An ominous voice said, "We shall meet again, Inspector Gadget..." A white persian cat sat in the figures lap. It opened a lazy eye. "I'm not happy with my wash," it said, and fell back to sleep. Suddenly...   
  
...the fic ended. Without Angelina Jolie. Or Mary Poppins. Not even a word from the mouth of Marty Feldman. It just.... ended.   
  
note: This is the revised version. Corrected spelling (I HOPE it's all corrected), no swearing, a few other things switched around. 


End file.
